Back to life

Well I am back to life after a gruling week of moving and unpacking. Because I loved it so much I now get to do it again in about 10 months.

Sorry it has taken me so long to jump on here and do a new post. I have had internet access since Wednesday but I just haven't felt like blogging. This place is still new to me. I have a hard time just hanging out and being content here. I feel like I should be going home. I am beginning to wonder if this will ever feel like home to me?

I also found out that my father and his girlfriend have put a contract down for a new house. This is really sad to me. I feel like my whole family is falling apart. I will no longer have an old room. I wont be able to just come over and hang out with out calling them first. It will be my Father, Luxie and her son all living together like a perfect little family. My sisters and I will become the other family getting nothing when my father passes because it will all be left to her! Not that I am a materialistic person, but my dad is so pussy whipped that the thoughts of his daughters doesn't enter into his mind.
Yes, I know we are all grown up, but I am just having a VERY difficult time adjusting to all the shit that seems to continue to happen in my life. Guess I should be use to it since it's been going on for the past 2 1/2 years. It is not that I haven't tried to keep my father involved in my life. Since I have been at my new place I have invited him and Luxie over at least 3 times and every time they have some reason why they can't. It seems to me that they just want to have their little piece of the world and my sisters and I are supposed to go on with life as though our mother conceived all of us out of thin air.

I am just not ok with that. Maybe if I was, it would be easier. I don't want to go over to their new house and see all her of stuff around there. Ya know. I would love some comments or help from people who have been through this. I guess I am just having a hard time letting go.

I also heard that the new owners moved into our old home :( I never thought I would hear the words come out of my mouth, but they did! I miss living in the trailer. That was our home. I loved it there. We would have purchased it as like a 2nd home if there was any money in it, but we would have ended up eating shit on it.

The smoking was going great until I got into a fight with my dad and I just needed something to calm me down. I have been smoking ever since then. I really want to quit and I think part of it is, I just don't have enough positives in my life. My sister judges me because she doesn't understand. Said she doesn't see how I could do something that I know was killing me. It made me upset at the time because who is she to judge me? Really, I may not be doing something that's 100% good for my body but its not like I am drinking, smoking crack or robbing people. I just have 4-5 cigarettes a day. If it were that easy to quit no one would smoke. I try not to get upset because I know she just can't relate.


Sigh, I don't feel good. I don't feel happy. I also moved further away from my sister, my support line in my life. She has also been stressed out and we haven't been talking as much. I miss her. I feel like I have been cut off from the world. I feel alone. I also hate this apartment. Sigh.. I wish I knew how to be more accepting of our new place.

I am posting some pictures of the apartment for those of you who asked to see it.


On a more positive note, my cousin Bekka is PREGNANT! That is so wonderful. So, if your reading this Bekka, we love you and congratulations. Sorry I haven't e-mailed you back, just haven't felt like being on my computer.


Laters!

P.S. There isn't a picture of Bowens room on here or the full bathroom upstairs simply because Bowen was sleeping, and I can't get a full picture of the bathroom upstairs.