Trick or Treat

Well, it has been a while since I updated. I just don't have a whole lot to talk about. I think we finally found an apartment and we should know by this coming Monday. My mother is coming into town this Sunday. It will be nice. I miss her and I am looking forward to spending some time with her.

As Halloween quickly approaches, I am looking forward to checking out this years haunted houses. Last year we went to a haunted field and it was pretty fun. We got there too late and it wasn't as scary because we were close to the end, so they put like 20 people in our group. Will be nice to spend some time with my fiance on Sunday. He has been working like crazy and it has really put a strain on our relationship. I finally broke down last night and told him he needs to fix this situation because I am unhappy. I am in the house pretty much all day again, by myself and I feel myself starting to get depressed. Just feel like breaking down and crying. I know that things will slow down at his work and he won't be so busy, but its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think I am going to see if my sister will watch Bowen tonight so Frank and I can go to a haunted house. Maybe I will take my nephew Michael.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. TGIF!

A Vacation of the mind

Well, the apartment search is going ok. Having a hard time finding a place that will let us have both the cats. As it is, my father is taking the two dogs because I just can't part with them.

This whole moving thing has got me really stressed. Need a mind vacation. Wish they sold something like that. Like maybe some glasses you can put on and your in Bora Bora on the beach with the waves rushing at you like bursts of lightning. The feeling of complete happiness as you lay on your back in the cool water while the sun on your body keeps you warm. You forget everything and all there is in life is this moment, as you relax every part of your body in the bliss that is the sand on the bottom of your feet, the water dripping from your hair down the middle of your back, the warm sun on your face as it penetrates deeply through you skin and almost seems to warm your soul. The sound of the trees moving as the cool wind sends a rush of goosebumps all over your body. The taste of a sweet fruit as the juices slowly coat your mouth and lips.

Ahhh, I feel better already.

Changes *sigh*

We are for sure moving. Have a couple apartments that we are looking at. This whole process has made me realize why it is I am pissed off.

First, I think it has a lot to do with me being scared. I love where we live. I can't picture us living anywhere else. This isn't just a place we live, it is our home and I am scared to live anywhere else.

Now, totally off topic, I have something I want to go on a rant about. I was talking with a friend today about my sex life and let me tell you, I am FED up. I am tired of getting rejected. I am tired of me crying because I feel ugly. I know when you get involved that after a while it slows down, but this is getting damn near pathetic. We have sex maybe once every 2 weeks. I can't Handel it. Its bad enough I feel like a beach whale, but I don't need him helping me feel even worse about myself.

Its not even really about my self esteem. I have needs. I want to have sex at least once a week with out having to practically beg for it. Well, last night is a perfect example. It was his night off and we were getting ready for bed. I start touching him and its obvious what I want. He tells me he has to get up and work in the morning. Yeah, and??? I remember when we first got together it didn't matter what time it was. He was game. Then he says "how about tomorrow night?" I said "Yeah, thanks for penciling me in!". I just don't know what to do anymore.

My friend told me that when men get to their 30's that their sex drive slows down a lot because their testosterone levels get lower and they just don't want it as much. That and stress from work and his family(me). That as I start to hit my 30's I am going to want sex even more. Well crap, what am I going to do then??? I guess I will have to invest in some products to give me a helping hand. Now I am sure my weight has something to do with it. I am sure my lack of self esteem has something to do with it. Hell, half the time I don't want to have sex but I ask him anyways because I know he is going to say no. I just don't want things to be this way. I feel him and I are growing apart.

UPDATE:

Well, I talked to my mother after I got done writing this. I just had a total break down. Crying and everything. I didn't realize how upset I was about this whole situation. She gave me some very good advice. She also made me realize that I never stopped to really think about how he is feeling. He is going through a lot right now. He got a BIG promotion at his work, so he is now running the store. He's been putting in quite a few hours. We are also in the process of moving and were going to be starting on the house this coming month.

So Frank, if you read this, I LOVE YOU HONEY! I am sorry for not being understanding. I know just how much you do for our family and I love you for it.