Zuma Anyone?

I would first like to say that I have officially got 2 other people addicted to this game. Now I am not sure if that is a good thing because , I myself, have spent many many hours trying to conquer the 12 stages of the Ruins only to get suck on the last level. For those of you who don't know I was stuck on stage 9 for like a year. Then my mother came down to visit last month and to my amazement I finally beat it. She must be my good luck charm. But now were both stuck on Stage 12. So, I just wanted to say I official hate this game and its Nazi ways. If you would like to download it and try it for yourself simply click on the picture and enjoy!

Nerd?

Well at least I am not a complete nerd. Just a partial one!

Back to life

Well I am back to life after a gruling week of moving and unpacking. Because I loved it so much I now get to do it again in about 10 months.

Sorry it has taken me so long to jump on here and do a new post. I have had internet access since Wednesday but I just haven't felt like blogging. This place is still new to me. I have a hard time just hanging out and being content here. I feel like I should be going home. I am beginning to wonder if this will ever feel like home to me?

I also found out that my father and his girlfriend have put a contract down for a new house. This is really sad to me. I feel like my whole family is falling apart. I will no longer have an old room. I wont be able to just come over and hang out with out calling them first. It will be my Father, Luxie and her son all living together like a perfect little family. My sisters and I will become the other family getting nothing when my father passes because it will all be left to her! Not that I am a materialistic person, but my dad is so pussy whipped that the thoughts of his daughters doesn't enter into his mind.
Yes, I know we are all grown up, but I am just having a VERY difficult time adjusting to all the shit that seems to continue to happen in my life. Guess I should be use to it since it's been going on for the past 2 1/2 years. It is not that I haven't tried to keep my father involved in my life. Since I have been at my new place I have invited him and Luxie over at least 3 times and every time they have some reason why they can't. It seems to me that they just want to have their little piece of the world and my sisters and I are supposed to go on with life as though our mother conceived all of us out of thin air.

I am just not ok with that. Maybe if I was, it would be easier. I don't want to go over to their new house and see all her of stuff around there. Ya know. I would love some comments or help from people who have been through this. I guess I am just having a hard time letting go.

I also heard that the new owners moved into our old home :( I never thought I would hear the words come out of my mouth, but they did! I miss living in the trailer. That was our home. I loved it there. We would have purchased it as like a 2nd home if there was any money in it, but we would have ended up eating shit on it.

The smoking was going great until I got into a fight with my dad and I just needed something to calm me down. I have been smoking ever since then. I really want to quit and I think part of it is, I just don't have enough positives in my life. My sister judges me because she doesn't understand. Said she doesn't see how I could do something that I know was killing me. It made me upset at the time because who is she to judge me? Really, I may not be doing something that's 100% good for my body but its not like I am drinking, smoking crack or robbing people. I just have 4-5 cigarettes a day. If it were that easy to quit no one would smoke. I try not to get upset because I know she just can't relate.


Sigh, I don't feel good. I don't feel happy. I also moved further away from my sister, my support line in my life. She has also been stressed out and we haven't been talking as much. I miss her. I feel like I have been cut off from the world. I feel alone. I also hate this apartment. Sigh.. I wish I knew how to be more accepting of our new place.

I am posting some pictures of the apartment for those of you who asked to see it.


On a more positive note, my cousin Bekka is PREGNANT! That is so wonderful. So, if your reading this Bekka, we love you and congratulations. Sorry I haven't e-mailed you back, just haven't felt like being on my computer.


Laters!

P.S. There isn't a picture of Bowens room on here or the full bathroom upstairs simply because Bowen was sleeping, and I can't get a full picture of the bathroom upstairs.

Please no more stress

We have most everything moved over to the apartment. Just have the beds, my computer and Bowens dresser. Going to leave this dresser here because I really don't like it. Will just have to buy some new ones when we have the money.

My Father and I kinda got into it tonight about him helping us move the big stuff. I am one of those people who would like to have a plan for everything. He's more the fly by the seat of you pants kind of guy. I just wanted to know what time he would be coming over in the morning because Frank has to be at work by 3 tomorrow and that doesn't leave much time to get stuff moved. I got upset because he said:

"We'll see. I don't know what we have planned"

Me "What do you mean"

Dad "I need to talk with Luxie to see what's going on"

Me "Ok, but I thought we were moving stuff tomorrow"

Dad " No, I said Sunday"

Me "No what you said is that we will move a few things on Saturday, and get the rest on Sunday"

Dad "Right"

Me "Well, all we have is a few things left and Frank would really like to have everything moved over to the apartment by tomorrow night since he had Sunday and Monday off. Would like to use that time to relax and get comfortable with the place"

Dad "Well it was nice of him to decide this, maybe he should have talked to me about it first"

Me " Well, that's what I am doing since you didn't even bother to call me today"

Dad "Well, I'll just give you a call tomorrow"

At this point I am really starting to get upset

Me "Why is it so hard for you to commit to helping me? Why do you have to run everything by her first? Just tell her that between 9am and 1pm you need to help your daughter move and that you can have the rest of the day after that."

This whole time he just sits there, and says nothing.

Me "What time do you want me to bring Ozzy by?"

Dad "I'll just call you tomorrow about it"

Me " Just forget about it. We'll find someone else to help us move. It really hurts me that were put on the back burner until you run things by your gf. I don't even feel like you care about any of us. When Luxie moved you spent the whole weekend helping her and I can't even get you to commit 3hrs of your time to get the rest of this stuff moved. Well, whatever. So, when should I bring..(dad cuts me off)

Dad Yelling "I said I would just call you tomorrow"

Me " well that was rude"

Dad "that's because you don't listen"

Me "Well, I was saying that I need to know because every time you push it back another day, its a day I lose to find him a home if the 2 dogs don't get along and I am running out of time. Well, I'll just talk to you tomorrow"

End of conversation.

I know that I can be a little pushy, but how hard is it to just help me for 3 hours? I have pretty much moved everything on my own until tonight when my brother in law was so kind to help load up the couches and stuff into his van. Needless to say I will be happy when this is all done. I am just upset because I feel my Dad is blowing off his whole family for this woman. But when he was going through his divorce there wasn't a day we would go and not hear from him. Now were lucky if we hear from him once in a week. It is like we have all been replaced. He has this whole new family and he doesn't need us anymore. He's giving me a real hard time about taking my 2 dogs. But if he didn't want 2, he shouldn't have offered. Tonight he made me cry. He's the only one in my life that can make me feel like that and I hate him for it. I wish I could just hate him all the time and it would be easier to live my life.

Well, this will be my last blog for about a week cause the internet isn't hooked up at the apartment yet. Love you all, and take care!

Not a tard

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 8/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Guess this will come in handy! LOL

Remembrance

I felt like writing another post about something that I probably don't talk enough about. To the left is a picture of a good friend of mine. I think she was 13 here. Young, aspiring to go to college and become a lawyer. We had talks of getting married and having families that lived right next to each other. Our kids would grow up together and be the best of friends. How young we were. To think that we would be able to do that.

It has now been 8 years since she passed. Halloween was her anniversary. I told myself that I was going to write a letter to her mom. To tell her how I had not forgotten and that I still think of her. I stayed up the other night, talking with Frank about it. How much guilt I have about how long I go and not even think of her. That my life just carries on like nothing is missing. About how much I really miss her. How alone I felt when she left us and how much I still feel alone. The other night was the first time I had cried in a long time about this. Then right now, as I type this. She really was my best friend. I had never experienced a loss in my life. After Amber passed, my grandfather died about 2 months later. Needless to say it was a rough year for me. She was such a beautiful person. Always caring and always appreciative of her friends and family. I was a really bad influence on her. I am the one who helped her pick up smoking. I lost my virginity and made her sit in there with me because I was soooo afraid. Amber always helped me to keep my head above water though. About 1 week before she died there were 2 girls that showed up at my house to basically beat her and I up. She called the cops and they ran off scared. I remember about 2 weeks after her funeral I saw the 2 girls and they said they were sorry about what happened. Where the f*&$ do they get off thinking it was even ok to talk to me? I told them they should have been sorry 3 weeks ago and flipped them off. Kids in High School can be so mean.


After all this her sister and I became really good friends. Brandy and I did everything together. I really miss talking with her. We got into a lot of trouble, but we managed to stay friends until I left and moved to Las Vegas. I haven't spoken with her in about 4 years. These pictures are of Brandy and I about 6 years ago. Her and Amber looked a lot alike. Wonder if maybe thats why we hung out.Well, that's about all. I guess this post is mostly to help me not forget. To remember what a beautiful person Amber was and to pass the message that drinking and driving is NEVER ok and that it takes lives everyday. Young beautiful people like Amber die everyday because someone gets behind the wheel drunk. That the peoples lives you put at risk is someone's daughter, a mother, a son, a father, an uncle, an aunt, etc...

The move is on

I so dread moving. But on the other hand it is exciting. I got some new things for the apartment to decorate with. Its really starting to come together. I will post some pictures when we are all done unpacking and moving. We should be in there starting this Sunday. It will be strange, that's for sure.

I love this song by Damien Rice, it is really quite beautiful. This movie, well, was very strange. It goes to show how much is really at stake when people are unfaithful. Don't get me wrong, I think other men are attractive and I of course look. But I couldn't fathom in my mind what it would do to my family if I was to ever act out on it. But with the way things are going in that department lately, I have thought about it. There is a lady named Sammie on blogger, I read her blog pretty much everyday and she struggles with thoughts of infidelity and writes in her blog about it. I try to be of some help to her but I really can't relate. As she states, things happened in her life growing up that made her pretty much swear to never cheat but yet she is thinking about it herself. I have always been like this. I told Frank that if I am going to, I will tell him before hand. But there are events in our life that make us hang our views and morals. I wonder if this will ever be me?

Not sure why I got onto this topic. Think it is because of the video for this song. I love the opening scene of this video. The wide open ocean as the waves crash against land. I would pictured this song in my mind if I were standing in an open field over looking the beautiful endless ocean. The wind also blowing through my hair.

on top of the boxes 

hes really sleepy 

Hes REALLY happy 

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Bowen at the park today 

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Bowen in his halloween costume 

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Bowen riding his tonka dump truck 

Bowen and I coloring 

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Random pictures of Bowen over the past 3 days 

Update

We finally got the apartment contract signed. We have till the 15th of this month to be out of here and into the new place. I have quite a bit of stuff packed and I think I am going to start moving the boxes over. Its nice to have the apartment so far in advance because it will really give Bowen a chance to see me put stuff up and for him to explore. Hopefully it will help him with his anxiety when we move.

Last night was fun. My sister Athena and her husband Mike invited us over to her Church for Halloween. I am not much on the religious side but I do believe in being safe. He had a really good time.

I am going to upload another post with just pictures for the family who wants to see some new ones. I really haven't updated much lately. Just been busy and too lazy to take the pictures off my digital. I hope everyone had a Great Halloween!